|
||
Share Your Own
Thoughts on this Issue: |
||
Your Input: Date: 5/1/2003 ContributionTry Zoloft--it works wonders for me! Date: 5/1/2003 ContributionReducing anxieties? Boundries--set realistic boundries and realistic expectations for ourselves and our ministry. Too many of my colleagues complain of 50-60 hour weeks when some of this work can be delegated to others or doesn't need to be done at all. I am learning to do just that. I tend to be a Lone Ranger and need to practice responsible use of my time and talents. I make it a priority to have my sermon and prayers printed on Friday so that Saturday is free. I tell people --never on a Monday--my day off. I know if I don't take care of me, my marriage, my sanity, no one else will. Sue in Ohio Date: 5/4/2003 ContributionTWO 2 week vacations, HA Ha Ha! This was one of the reasons cited for terminating my call a few years ago. I took a week of vacation before I had been in y position for a full year. "everone we know of has to work a year before the "earn" a week of vacation." I am on antidepressants for the 3rd time in the past 15 years. They help, but the group experience is the most important support. And how about this? I think my wife would sooner have our children be morticians or motor cycle mechanics than Ministers. M, who feels like Jeremiah in the well. Date: 5/5/2003 Contribution"everone we know of has to work a year before the "earn" a week of vacation." This same sentiment was expressed to me as I was negotiating the terms of my first call. An older and wiser collegue suggested that I ask if "everyone" also works Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving? Does "everyone" have only one day off per weekend (so that they can spend time with spouse and children) and does "everyone" only get that single weekend day when there are no weddings, funerals special church events or emergencies? Is "everyone" expected to be available to tend to a crisis 24/7? If the same rules apply to "everyone" then we sould be more than willing to "earn" the right to a vacation with our first year of work. Needless to say, we cleared up the expectations around my need for vacation fairly quickly. SS in PA Date: 5/5/2003 Contributionoops! That SHOULD have been "should". -SS Date: 5/7/2003 ContributionI'd like some response to the issue of sabbatical. A few months ago, I brought the request to the council - just to help the church prepare for this time (3 years from now). They looked at me like I was nuts! I have been in ministry for 14 years - in 3 different churches, so have not "earned" one as yet serving one church. What have you experienced around this issue? Nancy in Wisconsin Date: 5/7/2003 ContributionNancy in Wisconsin-You are not nuts and there are some good resources from Alban Institute Publications on how to plan and prepare for sabbaticals. Alban recommends two months of sabbatical every four years, but there are many options. I have had two sabbaticals and the first one should have been longer. When I added my vacation to it, it was three months. Next year I will have my third sabbatical. We also instituted this policy for the full time lay staff person. It is truly an economical investment in staff...beats having people's marriages, or backs, or emotions or enthusiasm go bad and having to deal with their non-effectiveness under those circumstances! Sooner is better, and proceeding as if it is a given whose details will be worked out is the mindset to bring to the conversation. There may be some financial planning/saving/fund raising necessary; and sometimes, saving continuing education allotments will be part of the negotiating. But as long as you are going to make this first effort (YES!) then get the policy concept in place as well--for yourself and anyone who would follow. Aslanclan Date: 5/7/2003 ContributionDear Nancy: Our Synod is circulating a draft proposal of Sabattical Guidelines for Rostered Persons of our Synod. The preface cites Ezekiel 20.12, Leviticus 25.1-7, and Matthew 14.23. Sabbatical provides opportunities for in-depth learning and renewal as well as rest from labour. A sabbatical should be holistic, including time for prayer, reflection, rest, and care of the body, as well as developing gifts for ministry. Definition: A sabbatical leave is a paid leave granted in recognition of the need for, or the beneficial effects of, time away from the regular duties of a call following a time of continuous service in that call. Eligibility: Six continuous years in a full-time call in the same setting, or a proportionally longer period in a part-time call. Duration: From three months to a year Purpose: Professional growth and personal renewal, rest and relaxation Return: The recipient shall agree to the regular duties of the call for at least one year following the leave. Provide a written report and reflection on the leave to the congregation. It may be beneficial to establish a "sabbatical committee" in the congregation. A budgetary allotment to a sabbatical fund can help the congregation with expenses when the time comes (i.e. $50 a month will provide $3,600 plus interest to help pay for supply, extra expenses, etc. during the sabbatical leave). These are only selections from the draft that is being circulated for comment but might help you out. Shalom: Tom in Ontario Date: 5/10/2003 ContributionI am on probation in the UMC. Which means I am not ordained yet but serve as an ordained one. This year I write orders and will need some time to do so. That alone is anxiety producing. I am not taking vaction to do this as I will be working. After a complete career change, and a lot of life moves and changes, and money spent, my life is in the hands of the people of God, I pray that God is there! My church will be supportive, but the anixiety of planning to get away gets to me. I am starting with some of the questions now and reflecting each week. It is good just to have this place to write it down. Thanks for listening. no name no state. Date: 5/10/2003 ContributionAll of these anxieties relate to not performing well and/or not being accepted or approved of. I'm not perfectly free of these anxieties, but I am reminded of two old (and rather vulgar) sayings. To put one in the nicest terms, it's "Screw 'em if they can't take a joke." (I substitute "the gospel" for "a joke".) The other is "Don't let the bastards get you down." I have to remind myself over and over that although there is a legitimate place for constructive criticism, most of the criticism sent our way is a heap of bulldung. Our job as pastors is to be faithful to the calling God has placed in our lives. If someone's critical because we do evangelism in the corner bar, then they're the ones who are being unfaithful to the gospel. If somebody doesn't like the way my spouse's hair looks, they're the ones who are sinning. If someone spreads untrue gossip about me, they're the ones who should be facing the church board - not me. Sure, this attitude has its own sinful extremes, namely an unwillingness to genuinely love others and a hardness in our hearts when it comes to being confronted with our own shortcomings or sin. However, given the absolute pettiness of most of the crud people criticize, it's best to say "Thank you for your feedback, I disagree." I stand firmly on D.L.Moody's famous statement to criticism of his evangelistic methods: "I like my way of doing it better than your way of not doing it." Come on, fellow pastors. Let's shake the dust off our feet and move on. If we're in churches that are so petty that they'd rather worry about a typo in the bulletin than about their neighbors who are going to hell (figuratively, literally, or both), it's time to give up our otherwise cushy (by world standards, although not by US professional standards) lives and move to a place that's hungry for the good news of Jesus. Date: 5/12/2003 ContributionI agree we are called by God not a denomination. We are called to be true to the teaching of Jesus Christ. Sometimes it good to be reminded! Date: 5/14/2003 ContributionI am in the midst of a change of congregations and a change of locations and the anxiety level is high -- in self and family and, I'm sure, in my new parish. I'm handling the former by not focusing too much on the potential (future) needs and demands of the new call, but rather on the immediate issues of packing and moving. I did focus on the future when negotiating my covenant with the new congregation by insisting on two full days off each week (or, at least, the right to take them) and by incorporating a sabbatical provision for three months of leave after six years. I appreciate the first poster's comment about Zoloft. After five years in my former parish, I suffered a serious bout of clinical depression. An antidepressant was helpful, but by itself not the whole answer. I also undertook a course of cognitive therapy and began regular work with a spiritual director. I strongly recommend regular consultation with a spiritual director. I've discontinued the medication and the therapy, but I will never discontinue spiritual direction. Eric in KS Date: 5/14/2003 ContributionMy anxiety comes from several sources. One is the feeling of not knowing where the next attack is coming from. I recently had a parishioner I thought I could trust turn on me. We are dealing with parsonage issues and the whispering and "meetings before the meeting" are going on. It seems that I often look for the next conflict... and struggle when one comes up while I'm looking somewhere else. Our church is restructuring and moving forward, and it's hard. I do have anxiety around preaching. I hope that will get better with time. (I've been doing this for 4 years.) Also, I have been on Zoloft, and Xanax. I agree with Eric in KS that it goes hand in hand with therapy and spiritual direction. I now have a "coach" who is a pastoral counselor (runs a practice) and who is an ordained minister in my denomination so he really helps out a lot, since he knows counseling and the system in which I am placed. Elizabeth in PA Date: 5/15/2003 ContributionTo No Name No State - You are, I assume, a Probationary Elder in the UMC-so is my Pastor. I am not clergy, but I am in the candidacy process and I have some suggestions for at least the UMC clergy - Use Your Lay Speakers! I am a Certified Lay Speaker (CLS) and I work with my Pastor to fill the pulpit to let him have some breathing room. He and I work together to try to give him the time he needs to both relax and work on required papers or attend training. In our District we have a pool of Lay Speakers that are available upon request to provide vacation or sabbatical coverage. I find that many Pastors, especially new ones, feel a need to always be the one in the pulpit. Part of ledership is knowing when to let others help achieve the greater purpose, just as Christ did when he left the Apostles to spread the Word after he had risen. It is often a powerful message of shared ministry to let others fill the pulpit and give witness to the Word. We are all ministers by virtue of our baptism in Christ, so use the other ministers in your church to help carry the load. Most denominations have an equivalent of Lay Speakers who can be used to help. Be honest with the laity of your church and I think you will find they will want to help and support your needs (at least I would hope so!). Godspeed, Chris in VA Date: 5/16/2003 Contributionitsd so reassuring to know we priests/pastors/ministers all find ourselves in the same boat from time to time. right now i'm struggling with a sermon for sunday, and trying to find ways of maybe being too sick to preach. i have the most wonderful parish, small,helpful,and loving but, i'm almost too tired to think about putting together a sermon,,,especially since i've already put in 40+ hours on my "other job." tired in alabama Date: 5/16/2003 ContributionLast Wednesday we had a meeting at the small country church in my three-church 'cooperative' parish. We have 700 total members. They think they're being ignored and over-charged. Three hours before the meeting, I went on a brief but intense bike ride. During the meeting I was more non-defensive and calm than I could have ever dreamed of being. I guess I was hyped-up on endorphines. I haven't been a regular exerciser, but I'm going to try the same timing on exercise next time I see something coming. Dave in Ia Date: 5/17/2003 ContributionSue in Ohio - Good for you! It can be done. For great reinforcement about your time away, read almost anything by Eugene Peterson. I think it may be in "Under the Unpredictable Plant" that he says Monday (or whichever day you choose) should not be referred to as your day off, but your sabbath. Entirely different time. On your day off you pick up the shoes at the repair place and weed the garden and sort the laundry and finally get the dog's toenails clipped. On your sabbath you play and pray - a crucial difference. Off topic - anyone know any good writings about passive-aggressive behavior in the church? kculp@sc.rr.com Date: 5/17/2003 ContributionSue in Ohio - Good for you! It can be done. For great reinforcement about your time away, read almost anything by Eugene Peterson. I think it may be in "Under the Unpredictable Plant" that he says Monday (or whichever day you choose) should not be referred to as your day off, but your sabbath. Entirely different time. On your day off you pick up the shoes at the repair place and weed the garden and sort the laundry and finally get the dog's toenails clipped. On your sabbath you play and pray - a crucial difference. Off topic - anyone know any good writings about passive-aggressive behavior in the church? kculp@sc.rr.com Date: 5/17/2003 ContributionSorry for the double post. Here's a related but not exactly on-topic idea: Our church secretary was getting fed up with teh fine-tooth combing that goes on. She has an even disposition, but sometimes things get rough. Our ministerial association started a secretaries' lunch group - they meet monthly, the churches pay the bill, they compare notes, support each other, share information and stories. And back on topic - three of us (a Presb., a Lutheran, and myself, UMC, meet weekly for 1/4 lectionary and 3/4 support. That helps lots. kculp@sc.rr.com aka kbc in sc Date: 5/17/2003 ContributionAnd one more post: Eric and others: from what tree does one pick a spiritual director? kbc Date: 5/17/2003 ContributionSpritual Directors can be found through seminaries. Garrett keeps a list. Some psychologists also have spiritual director training. It is important that the tree you pick be one you are comfortable with. So be honest. Not all trees are the same. Nancy-Wi Date: 5/17/2003 ContributionMy anexiety is off the chart right now.I serve a 2 point charge and in the smaller church almost everyone has just resigned! We only have 3 people duly elected to all boards and committees, meanwhile the other church is doing well and growing. I am confused! At times I think it can't be me, then I feel responsible for the mess. I have never seen people who have gathered in the name of love and grace act so angry at each other, and I have been at this quite a while (since 1974). My anexiety is that I do not have a coping mechanism for this situation, and I do not know what to do next. We already have a consultant on board, my D.S. is informed and in touch, but I am lost here. (Name withheld for now.) Date: 5/17/2003 ContributionDear Anxiety off the chart, First of all, I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. Can you make contact with some friends or colleagues who will help support you or encourage you or just share a meal? Two resources that might shed some light are Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and Alban Institute articles on conflict which can be found at www.congregationalresources.org. Look at the file folder headings. You will find book titles and a couple of articles you can read right away. Every blessing to you. 1 Pet. 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Praying for you. Mary Date: 5/17/2003 ContributionI am not a highly anxious person in regular day to day ministry and preaching, but the huge extravaganza weddings nowadays, now those make me anxious. Besides doing the wedding, one has to "patrol" the attendants who often try to drink on the grounds where it is not permitted. This used to never happen because the young people respected the setting as sacred space. Now an unchurched generation seems to know little about sacred space and that adds to the anxiety of the big weddings. Any ideas? Does everyone have the same kinds of things happening or is it just this location? IL pastor Date: 5/24/2003 ContributionBoy, is this discussion depressing. Why are we trying to make square pegs fit in round holes. Maybe when the parish acts up that is a blessing in the sky. So we don't have a board. Will the world go to hell if there is no finance chair or CHristian Unity and interreligious concerns chair. Lets preach and preach some more. It is their church, if they destroy it then Jesus can build a real one. Jesus is the chief shepherd of the church. Remember your first love. Date: 5/24/2003 ContributionLooking for information? "The Care of Troublesome People" from the Alban Institute has been most helpful. "Clergy Killers" also was my 'bible' for a while... but I can't locate it right now (maybe that's a good sign ;-). Being a pastor, mother, wife and person is a great challenge... one only touched on in Seminary - the best I have been able to do is take that time off, read a trashy novel!! Play Spider Solitare when the brain shuts down, and call my best friend (pastor in another state) and we spend hours debriefing!!!! Also reading anything funny - checking out 'Jesus Bobbleheads' - oh, and yes, Effexor!! What did pastor's do before prozac???? peace, cathy in pa Date: 5/26/2003 ContributionDear fellow pastors, We receive 30 days (including 4 Sundays) of holidays which I break up into two lots of 12 days (with a Sunday in the middle). That's 24 days (with two Sundays). The other six days can be taken as two three days (including two Sundays) added to two public holidays. Thus my breakup becomes 2x12 days plus 2x3 days (with holiday added 2x4days). I have 15 days study leave in which I mix psychology retreats ( small group experiences can be every energising), acting workshops - lots of fun getting out emotions and spiritual direction going deeper for refreshment.) When my children were younger I asked to have January's off (without pay) to do a D. Min. degree and spent half the time with the kids. Interesting how I can ask for extra study time off but not family time off. My days off are Fridays which means that sometimes we can go away and stay overnight coming back Saturday. Having Fridays off means that you can follow up Sundays pastoring. Sundays afternoon are a relaxing time for me. Our church considers 14 units of ministry to be full time work - one session being morning, afternoon or evening of approxmiately three and a half hours duration totally 49 hours (this was worked out for the part timers but it is an important insight). Thus a mix might be Mon 2-5.30pm, 7-10.30pm (meeting night)Tues 7-10.30am, 2-5.30pm, Wed 9am-12.30pm, 2-5.30pm 6.30-10pm (education night), Thu 7-10.30am, 2-5.30pm, 6.30-10pm (Worship preparation), Fri Off, Sat 2-5.30pm, 7-10.30pm (or morning 7-10.30am), Sun 7.30am-11am 5.30pm - 9pm. Supervision and therapy are of course useful and that time I believe should be able to be drawn from study leave. I would alos encourage ministers to have wider gatherings of colleagues such as at presbytery, state level which would be seen as ministry. A four day synod away should be counted as a full weeks work or time given in lieu. Give that many churches have maternity leave I believe that paternity leave of at least one week should be given acknowledging the importance of the bonding with father. Failing this I would argue that all of a years study leave (15 days) should be able to be used as there is no greater educational and theological experience than the birth of a child. As far as holidays being taken only after a year it should be pointed out that this leaves holidays owing at the end of a settlement and an unsatisfactory way to finish up in a parish tying up processes of call. The Uniting Church in Australia encourages holidays to be taken the year they fall due. I would suggest that in the first year that not be earlier than the first 3 months and thus a week per quarter be permissable. Weaving into the church calendar at least one or two events that energise you - theatre party with theological reflection afterwards, a church camp, an ecotheology walk are other ways of dealing with enthusing your ministry. When it comes to preaching sermons ministers can be very sensitive about plagiarism. However sharing out the prayers, creating one third of a sermon each ( finding an agreed formula to help this work), having pulpit swaps so you are preaching the same sermon can be craetive ways of sharing. It is even possible to job swap at times with the refreshment of new people and a different place to explore. These are just some thoughts on dealing with anxiety and struggles in the parish. God bless your ministry. Ernie.
Date: 6/3/2003 ContributionAnxiety? My shoulders hurt right now as I had to admit to two people I dropped the ball on something. Both relating to my annual review. Ooops- bet that will reflect in the evaluations. While it is nice that we have a system set up for annual reviews- I find some things extrodinarily picky- that if people asked me about something instead of reacting I could explain. I brought a water bottle into church on morning as I was sick and needed water to keep from coughing. I was critizied for not using a glass- but I am a natural klutz and thought it better to have something with a cover that I could keep from spilling- which would have distracted everyone. That crtitisim has been festering for six months. I am hurt by the pettiness of it. I love the people here and I like my call, but am frustrated by the petty things they notice. I am fearful when the senior pastor calls me- wondering what I did wrong this time. I am trying hard but feel very beat up. This is my second call in three years. I left my last call when I fell into a deep depression. I was unhappy where I lived and the area, unhappy at work and had just had my heart broken. I have been here a year and I am axious about this upcoming review. I stuck the forms I needed to fill out for myself and the other staff in my briefcase- but it appears they were misplaced while at another meeting or something.
Sometimes I wonder if I indeed do have a call to congregational ministry. No name--
Date: 6/3/2003 ContributionHow do my anxieties manifest themselves? Dreams- dreams of showing up late. This is my most frequent dream but just the other night I drempt that I forget to put clothes on before work. In the dream, I realized I was naked on my drive in and stopped at wal-mart- and was at least saved some embarrassment. Last night I had a combination dream- I dreamed I was late and couldn't find my alb. The senior pastor was starting confirmation without me! And while I was trying to get ready- I was showering (???) and one of the parishioners walked in on me. I guess I am feeling very vulnerable these days. M in PA Date: 6/10/2003 ContributionWe should take two full days off each week, as much as possible. I strive for that and won't accept any call unless that amount of time off is supported by the congregation. It doesn't happen every week, but I still disappear on Thursday night, and except for rare crisis situations, or funerals, no one sees me until Sunday morning. We all need to be firm. I need one day to rest, and a second day to attend to my personal affairs, such as housework, gardening, banking, groceries. Two days off each week, my colleagues, strive for that and insist on that. Date: 6/12/2003 ContributionI am most stressed when I feel responsible for things over which I have very little actual control, and when I fear confrontation or controversy about anything. These things can be family or parish situations, but the results are the same: moderate "anxiety attacks", back aches, a need to eat too much (to substitute I guess for no longer drinking too much) and digestive troubles. Also, when stressed, I have a hard time focusing on anything but the most simple task. Several things have joined together to keep my anxiety and stress levels manageable: regular, moderate exercise; being rigid about taking my day off; going to 12 step meetings on occasion; having friends OUTSIDE my denomination; the 2 collegue groups I meet with for prayer and fellowship on a regular basis; and sometimes, worship at the local Catholic Church during their weekday mass. It is nice to sit in someone else's pew. Once a month, I also see a spiritual director (Catholic--I am Lutheran--whoever was looking for a spiritual director above might check with the local Catholic parish for a recommendation.) The other thing, which surprised me, is cutting back on caffeine--I found that my "anxiety attacks" dramaticly decreased in number and in severity when I cut out about 2/3 of the caffeine I was drinking. Who knew? Oh yeah--Prayer. Date: 6/12/2003 ContributionI love "Curves" sorry guys, it for women only. A great down to earth place with people of all sizes. Right after a funeral I am there! This week I have missed and can tell it. Nancy-Wi Date: 6/16/2003 ContributionI took a quarter of CPE after ten years in the parish ministry. It was the best time I ever spent. It gave me permission to take care of myself in order to better care pastorally for others. I was constantly emptying myself spiritually and emotionally and not being filled. Jesus often went away to rest and meditate. Who are we to think we don't have similar needs in spite of the objections of others! Older but Wiser Date: 6/16/2003 ContributionI took a quarter of CPE after ten years in the parish ministry. It was the best time I ever spent. It gave me permission to take care of myself in order to better care pastorally for others. I was constantly emptying myself spiritually and emotionally and not being filled. Jesus often went away to rest and meditate. Who are we to think we don't have similar needs in spite of the objections of others! Older but Wiser Date: 6/18/2003 ContributionI'm a certified candidate in the UMC and have been told by the District Board that perhaps I am too sensitive to "take" what some people in churches will dish out, critically. Everything else is going well, but I admit to being sensitive, but that has served me well in my first career as a teacher. Anyone have an idea of an area of ministry that perhaps God is calling me to, that I have not thought of, where I would not be as susceptible to the criticism of the few? Thanks.........Florida Candidate Date: 6/19/2003 ContributionIL Pastor......I have the same experience of people drinking prior to wedddings. They hide it since I have been known to say "if you want this wedding, get rid of it NOW!" At a recent wedding I took the beer away from the father of the bride and his brother. In the case I said, "what bad example for the younger men." I go crazy with the lack of respect everyone has around times of weddings and they wonder why I don't love having their wedding.....Stress is very high around weddings and I can't think of anything other than prayer to help me. I pray at rehersals and ask the people there to make this a sacred commitment. It doesn't help that I can tell; they have no idea what sacred means any more. old priest in Iowa Date: 6/19/2003 ContributionI have been pastoring for two years, as a student pastor in the UMC. I was forced to develop and get board agreement to a wedding policy after the second wedding I performed. It was a big extravaganza, a huge dress-up social event for people with little experience with such things, so I became de-facto "wedding director" for them on the wedding day. I never caught anyone drinking, but after my husband and I spent almost an hour cleaning up the church for Sunday worship (coke bottles on the organ, a bunched up runner in the aisle, birdseed in the vestibule, hangers and a dirty diaper in the bride's dressing room, cigarette butts in the parking lot), and received criticism from trustees that I had opened the storm windows the wrong way, I have since demanded that before I will agree to perform a wedding, there has to be at least one trustee on hand to handle facility issues (including enforcing the no-alcohol rule.) I admit that I deal with stress by becoming scarce: I left the post-wedding photo-taking with a migraine coming on; I have since refused to do any wedding that didn't meet a pretty narrow set of guidelines, including pre-wedding counselling before they set a date, no children under 3 in the wedding party, not off-site unless I know one of the couple well. What I have not been able to do is fix a "fee." Since I didn't spell it out, the extravaganza-wedding couple gave the church $100, but offered me nothing except their thanks for spending, conservatively, 15-20 hours with them. In two years I have peformed two weddings (one of which I did enjoy!) and I have turned down about 6 couples. The latest told me they did not need any counselling because they had lived together for 8 years, had a child together, and were marrying so the child she was now carrying could be on the father's health insurance. (By the way, in every case I sent them to another clergy person whom I guessed would say, "Yes" to their request.) Which gets to a larger issue: I am called to preach the gospel, to tend the flock, to visit from house to house, to feed/clothe/tend (and to empower others to do so), etc. In two years, pastoring part-time while I finished school, I have had to learn that many of the things I am asked to do are "traditional" duties of the minister (marrying friends and distant relations of members, for instance) and many are seen (sometimes incorrectly) as honors (e.g. judging a baby contest, praying for Little League opening day) but they can easily get in the way of those core ministry things...so after the first year, I started to decline by saying, "I'm sorry, but I'm still in school, and my time is needed in the churches I serve." I'm about to become full-time, and I have no idea how this will play out in another setting, but I'm pretty sure I'll have a real day off! - MD Eastern Shore Date: 6/23/2003 ContributionI didn't realize it was common for preachers to have preacher anxiety dreams until I spoke recently with a respected retired pastor. I dreamed I was on a mountain surrounded by people (I have a fear of heights, but this wasn't an issue). I fell down before I arrived at the place from which I was to speak. Alas, no manuscript or notes were with me. The scene changed, and I was in a church with no manuscript, notes, and the microphone didn't work, so no one could hear. I decided to wing it, but couldn't speak, and then awoke. I'm in a new call, moved into a rental for 2 months, and the loving members helped move us into our purchased home a week ago. Since the date of the closing was unknown, and the move date came up at the last moment, I scheduled continuing ed the week before the move. I returned home Thursday night, to pack for the Saturday move. (no pressure there). Thank the Lord, I thought to ask for pulpit supply for Sunday. Last week was a wedding (mys first in this church), which was a joy, but it was a busy weekend with the rehearsal, dinner, graduation party, wedding, and reception. This week, I'm participating in Relay for Life. My parents, both deceased, had prostate and colin cancer. Today is my day off, but I need to finally write thank-you notes to many people, send invitations to a pastor nominating committee and family celebration at our new home in a couple of weeks, and find some time to take a walk with my husband and our lovable golden retriever. I love it here, but my head is spinning. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. I also recently came from a very disfunctional system. I was threatened and grabbed by a member, and the governing body decided to support him. It was very painful. Yet God has blessed me with the ability to love again. The trusting is a little more challenging. CL in OH Date: 6/23/2003 ContributionI "think" its good to hear that I am not alone in suffering anxiety on occasion? My anxiety arises from the awareness that every word I speak can be misinterpreted and misconstrued. That my motives are not always easily determined by some, and the increasing awareness, that there is just so much knowledge and information now available to people, that every word I speak can be scrutinised and analysed. I guess this raises for me, what I call the "god" complex. That I have to keep telling myself that I am not God. I am not Jesus the Christ, and I am not perfect. I do not have a complete handle on the truth, and "my way", may not necessarily be "the way" This can be difficult to get across to people, however, who believe, that you have been ordained by God, and therefore you have some kind of mystical and mysterious advantage over them in this religion thingy. The responsibility that places upon me, is what I discover increases the anxiety. The fact that so often those who criticise are exactly the same people who would never last a minute in this job (ministry), doesn't seem to stop them from continuing. The anxiety that ministers/clergy/pastors suffer is far more intensive than anything I experienced while working in the secular world. In the "REAL" world, you are actually allowed to make mistakes, but not in the ministry, because you represent God, and God can't make mistakes. I can't say this discussion has relieved me from any of my burdens, but like Elijah on Mt Horeb, at least I am not alone. I am hanging out for my Long Service Leave. Over 10 years service. Now due, but I am unable to take it, because I have young children. Ah. That's life in the ministry I guess. It helps to have a sense of humour. KGB in Aussie. Date: 6/24/2003 ContributionGreetings! I am a part-time licensed local pastor in the UMC and have a full-time job as managing editor of a seven-day-a-week, morning edition, small-town newspaper. God has a sense of humor: The very church that ended up on my front page with a fiasco that eventually split the congregation is the church I was asked to serve in about three years later. This was my second appointment, the first of which was basically to shepherd a 10-year-old startup church through the process of closing down. You could say I have had a stressful start in ministry. My wife and children have all been supportive, this despite the fact that long before I sensed a call to ministry (about 15 years before, to be exact) she saw it coming and said, "Get it out of your head. I could never the wife of a preacher." Being the true male, I'm like, "What? I never said anything about becoming a preacher." Sigh ... So, she suffers through the fact that her husband has two jobs, the second one ensuring that weekend trips are by and large out. This is, indeed, stressful to me. Probably more stressful than anything else. It causes me to question whether I am responding to God's call, or whether I should never have left Egypt to begin with. How do I reduce ministry-related anxieties? I am just now beginning to take advantage of the fact that my congregation (I am their first part-time pastor) believes I am doing too much. (I know, I'm truly blessed to have such a supportive church.) So, upon discovering that my Dad had cancer, I asked for Mother's Day and Father's Day off, bringing in Lay Speakers (I, too, am a believer in this, Chris in Va.). This despite the fact that I am going on vacation in two weeks and will be out an additional Sunday. I did pay the second lay speaker's honorarium, even though the church offered to do so. I really didn't do it out of guilt. I did it out of appreciation for their understanding. I no longer try to teach a Sunday school class in addition to preparing for worship. (The congregation reminded me that no one asked me to do so.) I no longer feel a need to try and shore up the youth ministry. I also no longer feel compelled to make every Wednesday night event, which a quite capable (more than I am!) lay person is teaching. In short, I have decided that my primary responsibility is to prepare for worship (In addition to penning a sermon I create graphics, etc., to use in worship) and engage in pastoral visitation when needed. If I am going to continue in the ministry candidacy process and serving as pastor, this is what I have to do. Also, this time when I take a vacation, I am going to read something brainless, like John Grishom, not something ministry related. Nor am I going to watch a single news show or read a newspaper. It's the Weather Channel for me! Blessings, No name, no state, please ... Date: 6/28/2003 ContributionI've been wanting to check out this conversation for some time now - I can't get over what I"m reading!! Wondering how people pastored prior to anti-depressants, especially. I have to say right off the top, that I'm a Zoloft person, too, and after a REALLY serious bout in my first appointment, I had effexor, which works more immediately and has more than simple SSRI to it. But, yes- how DID pastors cope before antidepressants? You can't tell me people were any less petty and mean-spirited (despite what the book "Clergy Killers" says). Anyways, I've thought the same things, wondered not about whether my calling was real but whether I am up to the task. And, to top it all off, the preachers I most agree with theologically and with whom I'd like to become friends are the most humorless, serious group of self-important talking heads I've ever known! You'd think it'd make their face fall apart if they ever had to laugh at themselves, or the world. And every little thing is the prediction of doom and gloom! My anxiety dream is that there is a big event in the church some Sunday and hundreds and hundreds of people are there, choirs, musicians, and a packed house - and I don't have a sermon ready, and events keep me out of the pulpit. I'm trying to get there and can't. And all I can think is "I finally got people into the church and now I can't deliver." the numbers game our annual conference plays causes anxiety for those of us who serve churches that have been dead for 20 years. Feels like we're slammed by both sides. Everything I do to try to inspire evangelism gets shot down by the congregation with some reason why they can't do it. Then I have to send in evangelism reports with 0's or negative numbers, and then get invited to the conference "remedial evangelism" class that all the pastors of barren churches were invited to. But the question isn't what causes it, but how we cope with it... I come here! I have a pastor (of a different denomination)through a pastoral counseling center. I keep a candle on my desk and a picture of Jesus washing the disciples' feet - not a pleasant task at all! I have a little card that says "Relax, God's in Charge" and all the little notes my older girl leaves for me when I'm not at my office. I swim. And, above all, I take an hour or so every morning to just sip coffee and pray and reflect. My prayers are never very long, and my journal is sporadic at best, but I hate missing my long leisurely morning. I seldom work past 5:30 - 6 PM, and I'm addicted to "Survivor" and "CSI." So, maybe I'm not as well-read as many other pastors; I'm surviving!!! (Do I hear Donna Summers in the background?) no name/state for me, either, but thanks anyhow. Date: 6/28/2003 ContributionOh - and another thought: I read a statistic that stated that 83% of preachers polled in a Gallup poll rated themselves "above average" in preaching. Hmmm... could it be a reactive symptom of not really believing we measure up? Date: 6/29/2003 ContributionThank you my brothers and sisters in the faith. After reading your coments I don't feel so isolated or alone. I know in my head that critical people see in pastors what they see (but don't see)in themselves, but my heart still hurts. One of your comments memtioned the petty nature of the attacks. I think that is what is most frustrating... The pebble in the shoe, not the boulder in the road. Sometimes I feel like I am being nibbled to death by ducks. Cliche's anyone? I know one thing...we need to lift each other in prayer. Peace. S in NC Date: 7/1/2003 ContributionNext time you find yourself with racing thoughts, or feeling depressed, remember God is in controll. All jobs come with there problems. At least your getting paid for your work if your a pastor. There are many out there that are not getting paid for thier calling, with the same anxieties! May God's Grace, Peace, and Love surround you! Date: 7/3/2003 ContributionHow condescending!!! The last post believes we should gain some kind of comfort from being paid. I believe my pay is for my family. It is this kind of attitude in parishioners and holy bods, which adds to my stress. Somehow, people have this "belief", that if you exercise ministry as a volunteer, that it is supposedly more meaningful and compassionate than the "hired help" (clergy,pastors,ministers,etc) I dispute that, on the basis of genuineness. Thanks, but I for one didn't gain much assistance from your final parting blessing. How dare you think you know what its like to walk in my shoes. Try the real life of ministry, and see if you are so ready to offer such advice after 5 years. Name withheld Date: 7/5/2003 ContributionIt has been very uplifting reading all the emails on anxieties in ministry. I'm an ordainded minster but currently on active duty in the Navy (20yrs). I know that God has called me to pastor and I have already over the past 20yrs experienced alot of what I have read in this forum, but after visiting this site I'm not so sure this is what I want to do. I enjoy ministry and seeing peoples lives changed by the power of God. How can the other stuff be separated. A young and upcoming Pastor Will in Italy Date: 7/9/2003 ContributionI would like to implicate; we have to remember even though one may be called to minister to the people - he or she cannot effectively do so without appropriate time preparing oneself.Which means, we all must find time to be alone and even spend time with one's family to process and unwind. It is physically impossible to be all things to all people all the time! And if you're a leader who spends a great deal of time counseling folks, one thing you must learned is (and this comes over time) that there are some things we can't assit with: It is called "natural-process." Things that are supposed to happen in the lives of Believers and non-believers alike. When God is at work -- who can hinder? So we have to learn not to exhaust our energy, but discern when not to interfere with the process of God in the life of a person. This ability comes with spiritual maturity. Ministers, especially Pastors, find themselves in an revolving door of evolution. Constantly, revamping and reinventing themselves. Although it necessary to stay afresh which means we have to constantly work on changing-- but be careful to make the changes that are pleasing to God and not succomb to the pressure of people or congregations. If we aren't careful, the processes of the world's system are often infused in the Lord's work. We do these things unconsciously out of habit without anticipating their effects. Even though we are called 24/7 to God -- it doesn't mean 24/7 to everybody -- point and case ... Paul had a desire to go to the saints, but God didn't give him permission in that season and he (Paul)petitioned the saints to pray for an open door so that he could come. Even Jesus, could have been there when Lazaurus first died, but we understand why he wasn't. Leaders choose discernibly your implementation -- God is at work and sometimes He doesn't need us to interfere. We have a life that must be balanced as we learn to appreciate the significance of loving oneself. It is an awesome price that Pastors and their families pay just to be what God has foreordained them to be. Never consider that it isn't right for you to take a moment or two to nurture yourself -- you need to be loved and understood. When you're not at your best -- everything suffers; including your MINISTRY!
Sincerely, Dr. Janice D. Hollis Date: 7/9/2003 ContributionFor Pastor Will, there are rewards in ministry, but this discussion is not about them. You do see people's lives changed (though not as much as you would like) and you have the privilege of being present with people at some of the most meaningful times in their lives-weddings. funerals, baptism. So while there is truth in this thread, it is not the whole truth, Yes, there are days when I want to sell insurance- Okay, what I really want to do is inherit a truckload of money, so that I won't have to do anything in the ministry except what seems best for the church. And just so you'll know, my life in the church has not been a bed of roses. My first church fifteen years ago was located in the middle of dysfunction junction. My wife and I were concerned about our physical safety. I've been in therapy for depression and take medication for bipolar disorder. I have been in the hospital twice in the past year, mainly for letting the stress build up and not doing anything about it So, no, it's not perfect, and yes, it is more stressful than it used to be (but before we start blaming our laypeople, let's remember that they are also under greater stress than ever before)and there are a lot of things I would change if I could. My wife thinks I'm nuts (she may be right!)but I can't think of anything I'd rather do than be a pastor. My observation is that people from a military background tend to do well as pastors. You guys are almost always more organized, and you have learned how to delegate authority (things I'm not very good at). And most military personnel that I've met have a low tolerance for any kind of b.s.- and that will serve you well. Notice this-everyone on this post talks about how hard this is, yet we're still doing it. As Arenio Hall used to say,"Hmmmm." Date: 7/10/2003 Contributionooops Instead of Pastor Phil(too much TV?) that should be to Pastor Will in Italy Date: 7/10/2003 Contributionooops Instead of Pastor Phil(too much TV?) that should be to Pastor Will in Italy Date: 7/10/2003 ContributionI've been in full-time ministry six years now, fully ordained in the UMC. My anxiety dreams don't center around preaching. Instead, my anxiety dream is this. I am back in high school but at the age I am now, having already earned college and seminary degrees. It is a few days before graduation. The principal informs me that I cannot graduate (which invalidates my college and seminary degrees) because there is a phys ed. class that I forgot all about and haven't attended since the first day of school. Maybe this dreams relates to those little things I've promised to do but have forgotten about, like changing the bulletin board or returning a phone call. There are a few things I've given up on which have helped me a whole lot. I have sworn off all "Clergy Killer" books. Yes, I read the book when it first came out and related to it. Then I bought others on the same topic, like "The Wounded Minister." Then I read "People of The Lie." These books only raised my anxiety level and hindered my ability to handle difficult conflicts. They reinforced a victim mentality. Instead, I've looked my congregation from a systems and acknowledged my own part in the system. I've read a good deal of Edmund Friedman's work as well as Peter Steinke's How Your Church Family Works and Healthy Congregations: A Systems Approach. I have only been doing this for twelve months but it has made a major difference in working with a difficult congregation. I can sit down with my district superintendent and clearly state what I believe to be the congregation's issues, my personal issues and the part I've played within the system. The last part is very important. Freedom can only come when we admit that we have also done things that have had an adverse effect on the congregational system. Working with anxiety - both my own and the congregation's - is a fact of life in ministry. It is kind of like the way a professional athlete learns to play while experiencing pain. It is how we deal with or regulate the anxiety that determines our emotional health. Matt in NJ Date: 7/11/2003 ContributionI would like to suggest a book that I have found extremely helpful. "Never Call Them Jerks" is put out by the Alban Institute and utilizes some Family Systems techniques, as well as some humor. I have also begun a series of workshops being offered by Rev. Bill Selby of The Center for Pastoral Effectiveness of the Rockies. It is taking time, but I am gradually learning to be a "non-anxious presence." That doesn't mean I never am anxious about anything, but my anxiousness is shorter lived because I am learning more and more about myself and the people that make up the family known as the church. Mel in NE Date: 7/11/2003 ContributionPS: I agree with Matt in NJ that the "Clergy Killer" type books made me more anxious. After reading "Antagonists in the Church" I started analyzing the more difficult people in my churches and labeling them. This was unhelpful and unhealthy: both to me and to the church. I highly recommend Family Systems Theory. That is what Bill Selby (see previous post) teaches. Mel in NE (again) Date: 7/12/2003 ContributionDear No Name (with the water bottle) I ache for you. My first appointment out of semenary sounds like where you're at. I loved the people, I loved the area of the state I was in (near family) and I loved the call I've had. But after a year the petiness just about suffocated me. I left there after being asked to leave by the staff/parish committee after a desasterous meeting which included our district supperentendent (our next "higher up" in the United methodist Church.) What got me through spiritually and mentally was remembering some words of a staff memeber at seminary "remember, God called you to ministry, not the people." At this point, search your heart and soul, remember your call and if it is true, remember, "God called you to ministry, not the people." My prayers are with you and your churches. Shalom, Rev. Nancy in NE P.S. please excuse the spelling, I was called to ministry, to the secretaries desk. (-: Date: 7/12/2003 ContributionI have had this dream on two occasions where I lose what God gave me to say or the congregation keeps waiting on what they will hear. Some of my people are so critical, they find fault with everything I do. They don't want me to lead, they want to tell the pastor how to do my job. Date: 7/12/2003 ContributionI need everyone's prayers. I have thought about leaving ministry. I am a woman minister and I stand alone. I am divorced and God called me into ministry in 1991. I am a loner because people are scared of a divorced woman and not divorced men. I get so discouraged. I will do my role as pastor and I get criticized for doing it. It is almost like my congregation wants me to preach, sit down, shut up and they will do everything else like a social club. My church has been critical of every pastor. I have two people that specialize in lying and mistruths miscontrued. Pray for me. I have just been reassigned to this church and I am weary from the battle. I know God allowed it for a purpose. I will be faithful in battle. Help!! Date: 7/12/2003 ContributionI need everyone's prayers. I have thought about leaving ministry. I am a woman minister and I stand alone. I am divorced and God called me into ministry in 1991. I am a loner because people are scared of a divorced woman and not divorced men. I get so discouraged. I will do my role as pastor and I get criticized for doing it. It is almost like my congregation wants me to preach, sit down, shut up and they will do everything else like a social club. My church has been critical of every pastor. I have two people that specialize in lying and mistruths miscontrued. Pray for me. I have just been reassigned to this church and I am weary from the battle. I know God allowed it for a purpose. I will be faithful in battle. Help!! Date: 7/13/2003 ContributionNot exactly on topic, but I think it relates well with this common fear of "being in the pulpit without preperation". Several weeks into a new appointment, I was leading Sunday Worship. During the hymn prior to the sermon, I happened to glance at the pulpit, where my notes usually lay. This Sunday, however the pulpit was bear. I was struck with horror! I then realized, that when preparing the communion elements, I had left my sermon notes on the table in the church kitchen! A congregant later told me that she thought I was having a heart attack. My face turned beat red, then ghostly white. We were only on the second verse of the 4 verse hymn. So, I merely set down my hymnal, and walked straight down the isle, out of the sanctuary. You could hear the crowd grow quieter as they stopped singing when they noticed my rather strange behavior. When I returned, there was no way I could hide my sermon manuscript, there are no pockets in my robe! So I carried it in front of me for all the world to see. You could hear the giggles, the quiet laughter and the supressed chuckels as I approached the pulpit and seated the congregation after the hymn. Some members of the congregation were laughing so hard while trying to be quiet that there were really tears in their eyes as they held their sides. It so happened that my sermon that day was about the fact that we all make misstakes, and need God's Grace. The end result was a new bond with my congregation! What I thought was a horrid event, sure to doom my pastoral report was actually a bonding experience. That morning, we not only shared in the Body and Blood of the Divine Christ. But, we also shared in a mutual understanding of our own humanity and mortal fraility. Not every congregation would have responded that way, I know. And if my relationship with the congregation had not been very good to begin with, this could have been a bad experience. But, when all was said and done, God truly used this event to work together for good, to those of us in that church, who loved God and sought to live our lives in God's Grace. Blessings to you! Pastor Carl - Indiana Date: 7/13/2003 ContributionI have found that the following things have helped me deal with Anxieties (often my getting rid of them!) - 1. Find a denomination where you are a good fit. Serve in a place where you are comfortable with the structure, doctrine, polity and leadership. I feel that too many clergy persons are stressed out by trying to fight political/social/doctrinal wars within their own denomination. I left the first denomination that I was ordained in to come to my present one. Trust me, it is much better to serve in a place where you are happy with things. 2. Have a support structure outside of your church. For me this is the Rotary Club and the Masonic Lodge. You need a place where people know you as a person and not as The Reverend. This also means having friends and family who are not involved with your church. 3. Know your people and love them. 4. Focus on Ministry. Don't worry about the guy who is always complaining to your Pastor Parish Committee about your selection of hymns for worship. Instead focus on going to the little league game or band concert of the kids in your confirmation class. Look for the good times. That is not to say that you ignore advice, or put people off. What I mean is that you can't take people's complaints personally. Consider them, and act on them if need be. If not, explain your position and leave it at that, move on. We must always focus on the really good times of ministry. Remember the look in a persons eye, when they finally understand something that you are explaining? Remember the smile on the face of the shut-in who you visited and sang a hymn with? That is why we are in ministry. Never forget those moments. Love them, Live them, and Make Them Happen! 5. Have a good daily goal. For me, I ask myself each morning "What am I going to do today to make the world better than it was yesterday?"Every day has a different answer some examples of recent goals are :1. Pray for my congregation's prayer requests this morning 2. Take Mrs. So and so shopping as her car is broken down. 3.Work in the garden. 4.Hug a child or an elderly shut in 5. Prepare my Sunday School lesson. At the end of the day, I ask myself, did I accomplish my goal? Yes, I did. Sure, I didn't get everything on my to-do list done, no. No, I didn't make every phone call, or answer every letter that I should have. I may have even forgot a thing or two that I should have done. But, my day was a success if I accomplished my main goal bringing God's kingdom a little closer to us through some action. By making my daily goal that simple. I find that I can go to bed with peace in my heart and mind. I can also wake up with vim and purpose. These five things have helped me greatly, and I hope that they may also help you. Blessings my friends! Carl in Indiana Date: 7/14/2003 ContributionMel in NE, I agree with you on the importance of family systems theory and how it reduces pastoral anxiety. I have, however, discussed "Never Call Them Jerks" with an Alban consultant and he told me that a number of consultants disagreed with the author's advice of attempting to empathize with recalcitrant church members. Empathy works in normal circumstances but with recalcitrant members it only raises the anxiety level of the leader. The advice he gave was to deal with the "who, what, when, where and how" of the situation but the "why" is something we cannot know. When someones actions seem to undermine not only the interest of the group but their own self-intereset as well, trying to "understand" or "figure them out" is futile because their actions make no logical sense. Attempting to empathize will only cause a leader to convince him or herself that he is dealing with a pathological, mentally ill or demonic person and once the leader becomes convinced of this the fear and anxiety will undermine leadership. It was recommended that we try sympathy instead of empathy and deal solely with the person's unacceptable behavior. Do not try to explain it. Matt in New Jersey Date: 7/15/2003 ContributionWhy is it that somedays you can not win? Date: 7/15/2003 ContributionTake 2: Some days you can't win. I stopped by someone's house, to ask them to breakfast, to reconnect because this parishioner was pulling out of something because of me. I wanted to assure this person that they were needed. That I liked them. Well after a lengthy discussion where this person agreed to serve another year, and what I thought was a good meeting. I come back in this morning and my collegue tells me this person overheard me talking to myself and interpreted it as a slam. Back to square one- Why does it seem somedays we go two steps forward and one step back? M in PA Date: 7/15/2003 ContributionI appreciate the opportunity to read through the discussion. I am serving a growing church as the only pastor. I have a difficult music director with a long tenure. We are adding an additional service of a different style and she is doesn't like it. The congregation is excited but she continues to throw up possible roadblocks. I just came back from a couple of weeks off and haven't slept both Saturday nights. It is really strange. I know it is the stress of the changes and also my inability to feel ready for what will come in the Fall. I continue to preach extemporaneously and know that I am doubting my ability to make that work along with media and the contemporary setting in the Fall. It really is an exciting time but stressful also. I have always heard that both good and bad changes are stressful. Thanks for letting me vent and say a prayer for me. Linus with his blanket Date: 7/16/2003 ContributionMy single greatest challenge in ministry is grappling with the "Is this worth it?" syndrome that comes up from time to time (usually after Christmas and Easter). I've served several congregations in two denominations and the one I serve now is by far the easiest in terms of the relatively small amount of personal criticism I get. Even so, it's frustrating for me to realize that maybe 5-10% of the members here REALLY place church and their relationship with our Lord in the place of priority in their lives, and the rest make their faith farther down in the order of their priorities after soccer tournaments and weekends at the lake. I don;t have too much trouble composing sermons, but it's hard to out too much emotion into something that people will hear IF they happen to get up early enough and IF they don't have something else to do. I want to communicate that faith is the center of all life, and few seem to hear that. It's hard to do your best year after year for what seems like little effect. Craig in CA Date: 7/17/2003 ContributionCraig and others I have been helped by acouple of statements. One was made to William Willimon (now chaplain of Duke university)at hsi first church by an elderly saint. "Pastor, just remebember how many people almost didn't come this morning. Be grateful for those who made it." Willimon said that statement gave him an entirely new view of ministry. The other is a concept from Kierkegard (sp?)- The preacher's and the congregation's audience is God. I don't think about that as often as I need to, but when I stop long enough (and this only seems to happen when I am active in daily prayer times-a connection?).It makes a big difference in my presence in preaching and the depth of my emotions to realize that the one who loves more than any one ever has or ever will is who I'm doing this for. I also agree that you need some other place, but where I live you are always the reverend. The best place I have found is an Alcoholics Anonymous chapter that meets at the church. Even though I am not an alcoholic, they have welcomed me with readily open arms and thay are so willing to really talk about spiritual matters and their effecupon their lives that I always come away refreshed. And like may others have said here--don't neglect your time alone with Jesus. Really, the main job of the pastor is to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen (Eugene Peterson, I think).Of course, we have to figure out a way to get our congregations to let us do that. It is so good to be able to share with and listen to you all. God's blesings on all of you revgilmer in texarkana Date: 7/18/2003 ContributionTo Matt in NJ, I appreciate your comments on "Never Call Them Jerks." I guess I didn't take away from the book the call to "empathize" with a difficult person. I got from that book a sense of the very thing you are talking about. Maybe I was reading something in to it that wasn't there. I still think it is a much better book than some of the others out there. I have loaned my copy to another pastor, so at present, I don't even have it in front of me to use as a reference. I really felt less anxious after reading that book and I was dealing with an extremely "challenging" ministry situation. Thanks for the dialogue! Mel in NE Date: 7/18/2003 ContributionTo the unnamed pastor (divorced, of the female persuassion) who has considered leaving the ministry.
Are there other female clergy in your area (either from your own denomination or from another one)? Do you have a support group of collegues with whom you meet on a regular basis? My suggestion would be to look intentionally for some collegues that you can draw support from (and lend your support to). You shouldn't have to go through this rough time on your own. I have several friends of the divorced, female pastor persuassion, and their experiences vary. Some have had difficulty with congregations; but many also found in their congregations, support for their personal struggles. Remember, not all congregations will judge you by your marital statis. When I was having a difficult time in one of my past appointments, my District Superintendent had a long talk with me. He said, "you are letting them take away 'the joy of your salvation.' Don't let anyone or anything take that away from you." That statement became my mantra for a while. It was hard not to take things personally, but it was up to me whether or not I let the difficulties totally consume me. It was still difficult, but as I look back on that time, I see how God was there with me, supporting me. It was a growing time for me, too, and I am grateful for that. There are a lot of great tips listed here on this site, I pray that something you read will help strenghten you and give you renewed hope and enthusiasm for your ministry. Gee, I hope this posting isn't too presumptious. I didn't mean it to be. You are in my prayers. Mel in NE
Date: 7/19/2003 ContributionRevgilmer in Texarcana and all, Very good, very insightful thoughts that I will carry with me into church tomorrow (still high vacation season here). You post reminded me of something from a clergy retreat we had here a year or two ago. our guest speaker mentioned the passage in which Jesus looked at Jerusalem and wept. He compared that to the way we feel when we look at a church with large empty places in it and suggested that that experience was one way in which pastors were uniquely able to share in the suffering of Christ. It's an insight that has been comforting to me from time to time. Craig in CA Date: 7/24/2003 ContributionA Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: "You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?" So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: "See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides." So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn't gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: "Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along." Well, the Man didn't know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said: "Aren't you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yoursu and your hulking son?" The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey's feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned. "That will teach you," said an old man who had followed them: The Moral?? Listen to too many people and you may lose your ass. Date: 7/24/2003 ContributionMy anxiety dream? That I was suddenly giving the Children's Moment (a new thing in our worship) and I realized I didn't have anything prepared and that I was only in a t-shirt and underwear. Not too original, but it's what my brain came up with. My stress relates to my relationship with the head of staff pastor. There is a great deal of unreliability as to whether he will carry out his commitments and I often pick up the slack. The congregation loves me, but as the first associate pastor in this place, I don't want to divvy up the congregation between us. Any thoughts about dealing with multi-pastor staffs? My current best source of support comes from others outside the church: other women pastors, other pastors in my denomination, friends and family. Thanks to all who have shared their thoughts. CeeCee Date: 7/27/2003 ContributionYOU ARE THE SHEPHERD. PREACH THE WORD.YOUR SHEEP WILL HEAR YOUR VOICE IF IT COMES FROM GOD . YOU WILL HAVE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS.QUIT WHINING AND BE STRONG. YOU KNEW IT WASN'T AN EASY JOB.I TAKE OFF 2 DAYS A WEEK AND EVERY 5TH SUNDAY.USE YOUR ELDERS AND LAY LEADERS AND THEY WON'T BE SO BOSSY. IF THEY START STOP THEM RIGHT AWAY. BE STRONG Date: 7/29/2003 ContributionI have been very grateful for the insights of Emotional Systems Theory. I've occasionally accused myself of being a "Steinkeite". I think that being a non-anxious presence is a worthy goal. Jesus seemed to be! My mantra in stormy seas is, "Perfect love casts out fear" from first John 4:18, ("There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love. ") It is'nt that I think that I can reach perfection in love, but just remembering the verse gives me breathing room, and direction. It reminds me that I need not fear punishment, and I'm not going to be the one who metes it out either. I think about the perfect love of God for me; I think about how we have been called to love oneanother as Christ has loved us, even our enemies. When I can love the person who criticises me it is easier to see when the criticism isn't really about me, but about the stress that they are feeling. I find it easier, whether I choose to overlook the comment, or challenge what they have said. Either way, when I can love them (notice I DIDN'T say like),I can keep my cool and not escalate the problem. When the criticism really IS about me, it is easier to take it as helpful information. When I remember how deeply I am loved, it keeps things in perspective. The long and short of it is, I have anxieties, and I've had my share of petty parishoners who have tried (and occasionally met success)making my life a misery, but in the big picture I have the best, most fullfilling, most fully integrated profession that I can think of. I don't know how I'd give it up. Besides, loving them, even when they are demon posessed,lets me wake up in the morning free from shame. 15 years in, and not taking zoloft YET, -SS in PA Date: 8/3/2003 ContributionHi all: I related this on the Ephesians site for DPS for this coming week, and then fell upon this site. My anxiety for the week, month, last couple of months? It is the fact that I was moved to this appointment (UM) not by choice. An appointment, mind you, that didn't want a woman in the pulpit. Their previous pastor had been there 12 years - much loved. Folks left because "it is not biblical" for a woman to be the minister of a Church. You know Paul's words in I Timothy... Others left because when we had our interview and we went over the "mission and ministry profile," my number for youth ministry was lower than that of the former pastor, and rather than ask me about it, they determined that "this pastor does not have a heart for youth." Let's see, I have had to listen to and watch a member of the congregatin stand in my office crying because she mentioned the former pastor and in her grief began to cry for her loss. But, she says, "we will MAKE DO!" I reminded her that I, too, suffered a loss, being taken from a Church which I loved, was financially stable, near my children and family (eldest daughter we just found out is pregnant with twins), and the close relationships I had cultivated over the 5 years of the previous pastorate. I love what I do, and I know had called me. I am, however, angry with the move, and upset at the way things had been presented. There are a lot of presuppositions going around and I have not been given the opportunity to respond to them because they haven't been shared with me. Thank you, friends for your comments. This is a wonderful opportunity to vent. It is very helpful. God's blessings on your journeys. pbetty Date: 8/3/2003 ContributionSorry, the previous contribution should have read: "I know that God has called me." As I reread, I realized that my fingers went ahead of my brain on that one. pbetty Date: 8/4/2003 Contributionpbetty, Some words of encouragement. Your gender is one thing you cannot change. If people get anxious over it that has more to do with them than it does you. I believe that United Methodists have been ordaining women if full connection since 1956. That is three years shy of fifty years! One of the things we have to deal with in the UM system is that pastoral transitions are not often smooth. A pastor can either implicitly or explicitly communicate with the DS and cabinet that they want to move and never have to own up to it as far as the congregation is concerned. I always remind myself that my predecessor is never as great or as lousy as people say he or she is. My wife is also a UM pastor and the appointment prior to this one was in a church that didn't want a female pastor. It was trying. One of the conclusions I have come to is the best way to deal with this is through humor. This is much better than trying to come up with a theological defense or saying nothing and stewing about it. Maybe keep a basket of apples on your desk and when someone brings up I Timothy just offer them an apple. If they say you don't have a heart for youth say, "My own kids used to tell me that everytime I refused to raise their allowance or let them stay out after curfew." Date: 8/6/2003 ContributionAfter reading what others have been through I can comiserate. I'm in a very good situation now, but have not always been. In my last situation, a position I shared with my wife, (now ex-wife) we had a few people who would nitpick about everything. One old biddy would bend the ear of a Pastoral Relations Committee member and fill him up with a load of chicken poop that he would unload on us. Minor things, mostly petty. She didn't like the hymns I picked, that sort of thing. One meeting was partly consumed talking about the parsonage electric bill. Somebody felt it was too high. We took the bull by the horns and during the meeting my wife called the treasurer and asked what the monthly bill was on average. With a family of five in the house, it was lower than the monthly bill of every single member of the committee, and many of them were retired with just two at home. Afterwards we found out that somebody had driven by the parsonage late and the porch light was on, so they thought that we were wasting electricity. Of course, we were in the habit of leaving it on in case our daughter came in late, and sometimes she'd forget to turn it off. In my present situation I have a very supportive congregation. I am going through a divorce, and my wife and I have been separated for five out of the last six months. They have been really good, have been patient with me. However, there is one old guy who has been a nuisance at times. At the last deacons meeting he grilled me for details on why I was getting a divorce (NY is not a no-fault state) because since the church had hired my wife as well as me the church had an interest in what was going on . I told him very firmly that the church had hired only me, and that the details of my divorce were nobody's business but mine. It took a few minutes to shut him up but eventually he gave up. Now, on the good side, for relaxation I've taken up cultivation of bonsai trees. I've been doing this for four years now, and it has really helped me forget about things for awhile. It gets me out into the woods, since I like to collect trees in the wild to cultivate. I can honestly say that bonsai has cured me of being a workaholic. I'd be happy to help anyone who is interested to get started in this. For an article I wrote on the spirituality of bonsai, see: http://www.bonsai-wbff.org/features.htm Be sure to take a look at the rest of the Worldwide Bosai Friendship Federation site. You'll be glad you did. Craig NY Date: 8/6/2003 ContributionI know that people complain, often about things that don't mean anything: complaining the electric bill is too high or other trivial things. Learning how to ignore it is another story. Facing the critique with a smile, and taking the bull by the horns- and directly handling the situation. What underlies their real anxiety? And what is my responsiblity to hear and what is trivial?
Date: 8/10/2003 ContributionCee Cee, I have served as an associate pastor for 4 years. Now I am serving with my fourth senior pastor. In that time I have been abused emotionally by a senior, betrayed by one, worked extrememly well with one, and am now figuring out how to work with the 4th, but this seems to be working well. One thing I have learned is that it is not my job to pick up after anyone else. I am responsible for myself and for my job. If you allow the senior, or anyone else you work with, to push things off on you, you will find that you are the one who is shot at from all sides. You can not assume that you know what the other should be doing. And you can not take on the attitide that you are making it work out right by picking up the pieces. By doing that you are shooting at yourself. You are called to a particular ministry by God. Focus on what you are called to. If the senior or the secretary or another associate can not do their job competently in your eyes, look somewhere else. You can not ignore what God has called you to do. I have learned that what I see as incompetent, others don't see that way. I have also learned that I have more on my plate than I can handle without taking on another's job. I have had congregation members come to me with compaints and my answer is, "Let's go talk to ... about your complaint." I have had people try to triangulate me over and again. I have learned to dance out of the triangles and I, my fellow laborers, and my congregation are better off. I have also had the petty potshots that go on for months, but if I stick to doing my work as best as I can I have to answer only for my own job. If you are compensating for someone else, you have put yourself in a dangerous place - emotionally, spiritually, and vocationally. It's not normal for me to come on this strongly, but I was alarmed at your posting. With others I agree that family systems is a wonderful too for ministry. Meeting with colleagues is vital. Spiritual direction is life saving. I found my director by asking at the school for spiritual directors in the major city near us. God bless you Cee Cee. The dance that you are dancing is not good for you. Learn to dance out of those triangles and to dance to the music God plays for you. cm in South Texas Date: 8/14/2003 ContributionMy ministry anxiety is that I am a conservative female pastor in a denomination that is becoming ever more liberal. I can accept that we are all sinners, and grace is sufficient. However, I can't go along with the tide and say that homosexual behavior is good because science seems to suggest it may be genetic. By that argument we would have to say alcoholism is good because it seems to have a genetic tie. I feel very much in a minority among female clergy, because those I know are in favor of defining homosexual behavior as good. I've never made gender an issue, but it is an issue that keeps me from preaching in just any denomination. In addition, my conservative interpretation of law/gospel hinders my ability to minister in larger congregations that cannot accept the fact that my opinion does not agree with the "agenda." Can't give my name...I feel compelled to protect the guilty... Date: 8/17/2003 ContributionLots of good thoughts here. The main difference between my former appointment and the one I have now was in my former church I was keeping a Sabbath. Every Thursday, I played and prayed. It was NOT a day off, it was a sabbath. (Thank you, Eugene Peterson!) I don't do it here. I'd like to hear some more practical ideas on sabbaticals. I was ordained in 1984 and except for a 6-week pulpit swap in the UK I've never been away from my charge for longer than three weeks. Going away for a year is out of the question because I'd give up my health care years. Going for two months - when? Do I stay in the parsonage and just ignore the phone, or go away? My spouse teaches and is an avid gardner - not likely to leave home for two months at any season. If I go off by myself, would that be refreshing? I like the idea, I just don't get it logistically. Amen to the need for spiritual direction, and peer group support. I have the latter, but I haven't a clue how to find a spiritual director. I've been involved in counseling a couple of times, and that's always helpful - but at $75 a session (which is a bargain) I can't keep it up indefinitely. Right now I'm dealing with a couple of very hostile people. The former pastor here says "It's them, it's not you", but I can't shake the feeling that I'm supposed to resolve this situation. They have harrassed the church secretary into resigning, and even though I refuse to take on her job, and we have hired a new person, my responsibilities have increased dramatically in the transition. Sign me: Could Use a Break from the UMC Date: 8/30/2003 ContributionI recently got accepted into seminary school after a long wait during which time I got another professional license. After reading all this, I may keep my day job and become a lay pastor. I like the one in all caps about being strong and using your elders and lay pastors. Delegating tasks if possible is a good way to manage time in any job. Date: 9/2/2003 ContributionYou may like the one in all caps, and there are some good things there, but it's not that easy. For many of us, every fifth Sunday and two days off every week just is not in the contract. Date: 9/4/2003 ContributionLike Cathy from PA I also love spider solitaire and effexor. I had an associate for undermined me at every opportunity; it got to the point that I was barely managing to survive so I sought medical help. Medication doesn't do it all, but it sure helps you get to a place where you can deal with all the crap. It is amazing how much damage just one person can do and often you can not tell anyone in the church about it. I comfort myself with the realization that one day all things will be made clear but right now I sometimes must endure the murkiness. In addition to medication I meet with a group of ministers once a month and that is extremely helpful!! We all need people with whom we can honestly share our feelings and not feel guilty if those feelings are not very Christian at times. A clergywoman from the Southeast. Date: 9/4/2003 ContributionThis is to the conservative female clergy who is anxious because she feels she is in the minority. A word of encouragement--hang in there, you are not alone. I know how you feel because I am in the same position but I know that I have to be true to what I believe is God's will. I believe that we are called to love everyone and accept them into our churches with open arms; but we do not have to condone their lifestyle. Yes, we are in the minority but we were never promised popularity or success. Our respoonsibility is to be faithful. Date: 9/4/2003 ContributionThis is to the conservative female clergy who is anxious because she feels she is in the minority. A word of encouragement--hang in there, you are not alone. I know how you feel because I am in the same position but I know that I have to be true to what I believe is God's will. I believe that we are called to love everyone and accept them into our churches with open arms; but we do not have to condone their lifestyle. Yes, we are in the minority but we were never promised popularity or success. Our respoonsibility is to be faithful. Date: 9/5/2003 ContributionThank you. The more times I visited this page without an acknowledgment of my post, the more alone I felt. Conservative Female. Date: 9/8/2003 ContributionI am in my second year of a not-so-good appointment. I am it! Secretary, preacher,chief cook and bottle washer type. This is a small rural church where the people have been trained not to think, talk and act on the their own.Burnwork?! I left a career famous for burnout that I really enjoyed to answer God's call. It is not all bad,but the benefits stink, the salary is lousy (half of what I used to make) and I feel like I am pastoring a herd of sheep- literally. It nice to see that someone can take every 5th Sunday off! Wow,wouldn't that be nice. I have to miss my nieces engagement party because it is in another region of the country and I missed a Sunday last month while I was on vacation. Are there really places that one could be gone every 5th Sunday. Well anyway, I have started to experinence some sleep disorders and had my first empty pulpit dream the other night.So I guess I am cracking up.Though I think before I resort to taking meds, I just may return to my other high pressure career that gave me weekends, sick time, four weeks vacation, 401K and health care at an affordable price. lost in the middle of nowhere Date: 9/14/2003 ContributionFor those of you who are book-oriented, I have found the wisdom of G. Lloyd Rediger to be very helpful. In particular, "Fit to be a Pastor: A Call to Physical, Mental, and Spiritual Fitness." DWR Date: 9/16/2003 ContributionTo the divorced clergy woman, I too am a divorced clergy woman, and single mom, which has it's challenges. But I wouldn't say people are more afraid of divorced women than men, and I think how they perceive you is in part how you portray yourself. I am a pastor. I am a woman Pastor. And I happen to be divorced, and a single mom. But I preach, I do pastoral care, I teach, I participate in community affairs, as Pastor Susan, not as divorced pastor Susan. Stand in confidence in who you are, what you are called to do, what gifts you have been given to grow the church you are serving. Be real as to who you are, when it relates to a particular passage of scripture, but deal with it as to how God has blessed or equipped you, not not wearing your marital status on your sleeve as if it is your whole identity. I find that my being a divorced woman and single mom has opened more doors of ministry by far, because I can walk along side a person going through divorce and let them know there is a new day dawning. How about offering a divorce recovery program in your community? Who else is better to do that than one who has experienced it, and yet has survived and moved on to God's next step in your life? Be a wounded Healer, one who has been wounded, but whose wounds are now healed, and can bring healing to others. Susan in Wa. Date: 9/16/2003 ContributionI would agree wholeheartedly with the origional post about very intentionally taking days off, and vacations of at least two weeks away are vital. When I take my days off, I don't answer my phone, and let the machine take messages. In 15 years of ministry, I have always had a couple of people who will call and say, "I know it is your day off but. . ." In most of those cases the very important information very easily could have waited until Sunday or Monday. For vacations, I make it a point to get completely away. If I stay around home to work on projects, or just relax there, I can't, and it's too easy to be sucked into doing an hour here or there. Also, on vacation, I read novels, or non theology/ministry books, to get my mind completely away and rested. Susan in Wa. Date: 9/17/2003 ContributionTo Cee Cee, I would concur with the other Associate pastor in warning you not to get involved with the triangulation that happens in every church. You will be the one who gets hurt. My first Associate, the head of staff was very similar to your description. I had all kinds of people coming to me to complain. He and his wife also tried sabotaging my ministry, and were brought before the Personnel committee and told they had better start acting more like Christians. But in the long run? I was unfamiliar with Family Systems at the time, and I allowed myself to be triangulated, and tried to rescue this church of 900! I ended up in the hospital with my heart in Atrial Fibralation at the ripe old age of 33!The people wanted me to do their dirty work, and although they were disgruntled and some left, some stayed, and never used the polity they had available to them. The next one was short, because it was an interim, and I was grateful for that. The last one, the head of staff was the Presbytery's fair haired boy, chaired the committee that was responsible for Pastoral and church relationships, and had the Executive around his little finger. He abused our polity, and pushed me out of the church through manipulation of our elders, and left a congregation confused, angry, and hurt. When the elders let me know I had 6 months to find another position, it was 3 days after 9/11, and one month after my brother's sudden death at age 46. He told me "There are 4 people in this church who don't like you and the rest adore you." (A church of 400, not bad!) and "I don't know how to supervise you because you are 1 year older and have been ordained longer.(2 years)" I decided to leave with grace, not saying anything negative, and go to God's next step for me. . . not as an Associate Pastor. I was matched to a wonderful little church, God moved miraculously, in getting me here, and I couldn't be happier and more comfortable than I am here for a year and a half now. The people in my previous church are seeing the head of staff for who he is. He is being held accountable, and I never had to say anything but hopeful things, because frankly, he didn't need any help in crucifying himself. "By their fruit, you shall know them." The more secular version of that is, "What goes around, comes around!" So, I concur, do your job, and ONLY YOUR job. Love the people. Use whatever polity you have available, and get in touch with the other women clergy in your area. If there isn't an existing group, start one. It is vital to have people that you can be candid with and who will keep what you say in confidence, outside of your church. Blessings on you. Susan in Wa. Date: 9/22/2003 ContributionTo lost in the middle of nowhere, I identify with your post since I too left a high-pressure, well-paying career for my call to ministry. Yet whenever I think of going back I am reminded of the Israelites in the wilderness (this week's text: we remember the fish we used to eat in Egypt for nothing, the cucumbers, the melons . . .). I am beginning to use a technique I used in my last career to change my workstyle; I am setting a deadline to change my own behavior. If within one year I cannot adopt a healthier way of serving as pastor, then I will look for another way of serving. I am trying to take responsibility for changing what I can, because I don't believe Jesus called me to go nuts. That being said, lots of the comments in this column are helpful as to how to do this. I am starting by focusing on prayer and my personal understanding of my mission, and thankfully have a few people around me who support that mission. What coping skills did you learn in your last profession? Were they gifts of God that might help you (and the rest of us)now? No way does Jesus forsake us in all this! KB |
_____________________________________________________________
Copyright @ 2003, by Frank Schaefer, DesperatePreacher.com--a
subsidiary of JavaCasa Web Resources.
Contact info@desperatepreacher.com for
permission to use or reproduce.