Christmas Humor
and funny stories, jokes
Cryptic Christmas Card
A man sent his friend a cryptic Christmas card. It said: A B C D E F G H I
J
K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z. The recipient puzzled over it for weeks,
finally gave up and wrote asking for an explanation. In July he received
the
explanation on a postcard: "No L."
True story
The nativity play was going as planned and Joseph and
Mary were going from house to house knocking on the doors and asking it
there was any room for them. As they continued to get "no room" answers a
little voice called from the back "YOU SHOULD HAVE BOOKED!" bringing the
house down.
Didn't You Get My E-Mail?
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And
what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then
gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
Who kissed Santa?
At my daughter's elementary school Christmas concert, a first-grade girl
introduced their song, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" with clear,
articulate, well-rehearsed speech, [and not in the least aware of the
mix-up], saying: "Oh, what Mommy would have thought if she saw Daddy
kissing Santa Claus!"
from Sally in GA
The Real Santa?
The local newscaster was with the crowd of parade watchers, welcoming
Santa as he arrived in town, and in a live interview asked a boucey 4 yr
old girl if she had talked with this Santa yet to give him her Christmas
list. "No" she replied infatically. "Are you going to talk with Santa?"
the newscaster asked. "NO" once again was the most definite answer which
was not the reaction that he was expecting at all! "Why?" he curiously
asked the little one. "Because the real Santa is at the Mall."
THE VIRGIN BIRTH
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and
says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant.
About 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left
alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five
minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out
there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came
over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Save God the trouble
There was a young boy who was saying a prayer out loud one night and his
brother was listening to him. This boy asked God for a fresh milkshake in
the morning. His brother said: "just shake a cow and milk it. It will
save God the trouble."
A little help from Joseph
One day during our children's sermon, I was telling the kids about how the
angel came to Mary to tell her about how she would help bring Jesus into
the world. One little girl seemed puzzled about this whole scene. Then
another child asked what I thought the first thing Mary would have asked
for after the angel left her. Instantly this little girl chimed in with
"I'll bet she asked for a little help from Joseph!"
Who is the Real Virgin?
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite
knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother
by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the
King James Virgin?"
What Are The Three Gifts?
While participating in a chruch Christmas pageant many years past, I had
the good fortune to be chosen as the narrator. Each rehearsal went off
well and then on the night of the show, I, in a loud and penetrating voice
announced the gifts of the Magi as "gold, Frankenstein and myrrh."
No Room In The Inn?
A boy wanted to be Joseph in the Sunday School pageant. He was cast as the
landlord and objected loudly, but to no avail. When the pageant was
presented, Mary and Joseph knocked on the door and asked him if he had a
room for them. The boy smiled and said, "Yes, sure. Lots of room. Come on
in!"
Charge It
The store's Santa Claus gave Jeanie a candy
cane. Her mother says, "What do you say, Jeanie?" Jeanie looks up at
Santa and says, "Charge it!" Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground CC, Stamping
Ground, KY
Pontius Who?
At Sunday school, the younger children were drawing pictures illustrating
Biblical stories. The teacher walked by and noticed one little boy was
drawing an airplane! "Oh, what Bible story are you drawing?" she asked.
"This is the Flight into Egypt," the little boy answered. "See, here is
Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. And this," he said, pointing to the front of
the plane, "is Pontius. He's the Pilot."
Same Name?
A little boy named Nicholas told the store's Santa Claus:
"You and I have the same name." Santa says: "Well, hello
Harold." Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground CC, Stamping Ground, KY
Going the wrong way in the "Advent Rush"
While a man had gone out driving to do some Christmas shopping, his wife
had been watching TV when she heard the announcer say, "be very careful
and watch driving on I5 today, there is a motorist driving the wrong way"!
His wife got hold of him on the cell phone to warn him, and his reply was:
"You tell me, there are hundreds of them here".
The Wrong Gift
The parents began to assemble the special Christmas gift they had for
their children. They had ordered a kit for a tree house and received the
plans for it. However, the materials they received were for a sailboat.
They wrote the company to complain. The company's reply: "While we
regret the inconvenience this mistake must have cause you, it is nothing
compared to that of the man who is out on a lake somewhere trying to sail
your tree house." Bud Brooks, Stamping Ground, KY
God's Not Deaf
Two young boys were spending the night at
their grandparents' house the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two
boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers. The younger one began
praying at the top of his lungs:
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
His older brother leaned over, nudged him and said, "Why
are you shouting? God isn't deaf." to which the little brother replied,
"No, but Grandma is!"
Actual children's versions of Christmas Carols:
"...sleep in heavenly peas";
"Joy to the world, the Savior rains";
"This is he whom Sears of old...";
"Angels we have heard on high, sweetly singing o'er the plane";
"While shepherds washed their socks by night
None of Them Are Toys!
When my daughters were little I would always tell them around Christmas
that this is Jesus' birthday and he only received 3 things so do not be
disappointed in what lies under the tree. When it came time for worship on
Christmas morning, I asked the children what they thought Jesus would
think of Santa and all the hype. Would he ask Santa a question? My
youngest daughter replied, "I think Jesus would ask how come I only got
three things and none of them were toys?" ... SAL Ridgeway Ontario
Viking Mary
When my son was 8 years of age, He was in a Christmas Pageant at our
church. His line started "And the Virgin Mary was with Child." He did his
line correctly at every rehearsal. On the night the of the presentation
everything was going wonderful. All the children were relaxed and reciting
their lines without flaw. It came time for my son to recite his line and
this is exactly how it came out: "And the Viking Mary was with Child." It
was quite a job for all the adults watching the presentation to restrain
ourselves and not bellow out in laughter. ...Patty Louisiana
The Three Gifts
After the Christmas pageant, I asked my 6-year-old son if he remembered
the gifts that the Magi brought to Jesus. He thought for a minute then
said "gold, frankincense, and humor". We could all use that!
Jesus and the Elves
by John Leo, US News & World Report columnist &
author of a new book,"Two Steps Ahead of the Thought Police."
And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was
great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and
laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn.
And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of
great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord." "There's a
problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he
explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was
on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover. "And I
have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he
said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."
Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the
ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife. "That would definitely
help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared,
judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland
creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of
elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."
Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"
"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered
dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the
Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the
picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the
haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We're
not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever,"
said the painter.
Rum pa pum pum. Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus'
birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births,
but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the
rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single
mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that
swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of
babies.
With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger
rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking
out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be
installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character. An older man
bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the
same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib
or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on
the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque
backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed
out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other
arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated
against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.
Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the
obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was
exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly
woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species,
maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just
to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age
goddess religion?" "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted
to tell you that the Magi are here."
Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all
male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black,"
said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone
shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among
the halt and lame of Bethlehem.
A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will
change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant
and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though.
Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite,
not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in Excelsis Deo,' why
not just 'Season's Greetings'?" Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human
history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh,
Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter
festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations
yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his
birthday. That's not chopped liver." "Let me get back to you," Mary said.
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